[singlepic=62,320,240,,right]Well, I had no intention of removing string from an utterly horrible location at a future time…possibly while neighbor children looked on. So we figured it was time yet again to make a dog barf. I’ve had to do this once before with Indie, but Bear is a bigger dog. I led him outside and gave him several squirts of hydrogen peroxide to swallow. Quoting one of my favorite Futurama characters, I implored that he “barf like a freshman.” (Patty stares at me blankly when I say stuff like that; it’s a thing we have.) Soon enough, the string re-appeared and I performed the invigorating task of clearing away the awful barful remnants. Bear is fine, but still a little dumb.

We had another little animal-related incident in the house. Our cat, Jackson, who is the size of several old Volkswagens and twice as smelly, managed to do a little kitty demolition. The cat-room is a small closet underneath the stairs. There is a cat-door in the drywall which we typically lock at night to keep them from messing with our copies of the “Old West” series of books from Time-Life. (Did you know that John Wesley Hardin was so mean, he once shot a man just for snoring too loud?) Well, Jackson actually managed to push the cat door out of the wall. I’ll say that again ’cause it’s creepy: [singlepic=63,160,120,,left]“he pushed the cat-door out of the wall!” I’m sorry, but if we have cats that can burst through walls, we’re screwed! In his defense, I pretty much had the door connected with duct tape and spit, so I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. I’ve reinstalled the cat door and reinforced the frame so Jackson the Wonder Manatee should stay where he belongs.

Some people would say I should keep a better eye on my pets. I still don’t know where the hell they get these ideas.

…and proceeded to lick the side of my face. Ew, dog breath! I stood up as Patty was removing the lens cap from her new camera. “Having fun?” she asked. I was having fun. This was on one of the first real snow-free days around here, so Patty & I decided to head out into the nature area with Indie & Bear. They got to run around, I got to do whatever it is I do, and Patty was finally able to take some photos of things other than our living room and me (“Hey! Is that Marty Feldman?”)

Patty said she’s still learning her way around the new camera, but she did get some good shots:

At least one of us has talent. I’m looking forward to more photos soon.

Oh, and sorry I haven’t written much lately, the new job has been keeping me pretty busy…OK, I’ve been sitting around eating graham crackers and frosting; are you happy?

At first we didn’t know why Bear was whining all the time. I figured it was because of the Writers Strike or something, but apparently dogs like physical activity. (Boy, you learn something new every day!) I’m sitting there asking him what he wants like I’m in some pathetic Lassie episode (which, of course, is all of them.) I even tried changing his name to “Whinemeister B,” to give him some street cred, but nothing worked! A friend of mine even suggested a “poochie psychiatrist!” Honestly, if I won’t seek psychiatric help, what chance do you think the dog has?

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best time to play with the dogs outside, what with it being 146 degrees below zero and all. As a result, we’ve been playing games indoors. The games have a annoying tendency to result in extensive drywall damage and bodily injury; just like my baptism, if the photos are to be believed. Indie likes to play too, but since she’s a girl, she really prefers Barbie’s Malibu Rawhide Chewey McChewies, or Bark Bark Revolution (always with the barking.)

I found some great websites with all sorts of indoor activities that will hopefully keep Bear from going all Jack Torrance on us. So far, Indie & Bear both love hide & seek, but truthfully, they’re actually very bad at it; I waited behind that door for a damn hour! I nearly ran out of tortilla chips too! They also love to play fetch with the tennis ball (please see “drywall damage” reference above.) Oh well, at least I get to go to Home Depot more often.

As promised after last week’s oh-so-cathartic Neil Diamond rant, here are some pictures of Indie & Bear for your dining & dancing pleasure. Enjoy!

Unfortunately, things got a little dodgy when Patty found a great deal on a Nikon camera online, but she needed to order it by December 19 in order to get the free shipping. I had to think fast, since I didn’t want her to order the camera, then possibly go through the hassle of returning it if she liked my gift better. Unfortunately, I’m apparently not very good at thinking fast, because my gentle suggestions that she wait kinda backfired and made me look like a controlling jerk of Archie Bunker proportions:

When I suggested she maybe do a little more research, she replied that she’s been researching for close to a year. “Oh,” I replied, “I didn’t know that.”
I then speculated that she might find a better deal after Christmas, since she likes saving money. She reiterated that this is the best deal she’s found and she is comfortable with it. She also pointed out that I’ve been known to buy keyboards simply because they smell nice.

“Well,” I replied, “some of them do.” (Swish!)

For some reason, I kept talking. “I’d still kinda like to see more about it first.” (Please understand, I never never NEVER would have said this, had I not already had a camera for her.) Nevertheless, this is about the time where things went a little out of my control.

“Wait a minute,” she replied. “Why do YOU need to “see” it first? I never need to “see” your purchases ahead of time.” (A good point, but again, I already had a camera for her!)

“Well, that’s different,” I replied. (Like that answered anything!)

“How it that different?” She glared. (Can you picture me sinking fast? Can you??)

Just a time-out; I knew that anything I could say at this point would make me look like THE most controlling, patronizing, micro-managing, Lumbergh of a husband you can imagine. Ignoring this, I stupidly blurted out, “I think I read somewhere that women don’t like ‘outside interests.’”

…
…(cue the tumbleweeds)
…
…”I’mSorryWhatDidYouJustSay?” she asked with those fiercely intelligent eyes boring holes in me.

At this point, I decided Christmas will be coming early this year. Hell, I would have tossed the camera to her at that moment, if I hadn’t so damn cleverly had it delivered to my Mom’s house across town. Luckily, I had already planned to pick up the camera the next day, then give it to her on Christmas Eve. Only now, I would definitely be giving her the camera as early as humanly freaking possible so that I’m just a jerk for one day, rather than five.

I was able to stall Patty by asking if we could “buy the camera online tomorrow night…together!” (Yeah, I really said that.) I was sure she would call me out on such a lame request…as well as that dumbass “outside interests” crack. Surprisingly, she agreed, although I wouldn’t have blamed her if she got up the next morning and bought the camera just to shut me up.

Well, luckily the story had a happy ending. I gave Patty her very hurriedly-wrapped gift and she suddenly she realized why I was acting so strangely the previous couple of days. She loves the camera and we hope to have plenty of new photos posted soon. As usual, I apologize for any pictures of me; just assume I’m fighting a cold, or something.

I’m also guessing that a few of them will involve dogs. Merry Christmas!

Aussie, Indie and Bear

Originally uploaded by Chris Schuette.
Sometimes the picture is just too weird. That’s Indie in the middle, Bear on the right, and their friend, Aussie on the left. The Hounds of Hell, they ain’t!