Oh God, what now? Chris Schuette

Oh God, what now?

August31st

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Learned-ing

Posted in: Oh God, what now?, humor, parenting
As I blindingly venture into my future as a responsible parent (no, seriously; stay with me.) I now appreciate that my parents had a very (and I mean VERY) challenging job, what with my alleged hyperactivity, my unconscionably high intake of Rondo – The Thirst Crusher, and my carefree use of parentheses (like this one. You know, I should just write the whole damn blog in parentheses if I like them so much.)

Where was I? Oh yes, my unholy experiences as a disturbingly hyperactive blond kid from the suburbs.

This gets less cute the longer I’m a parent.

Like this one time as a kid, I saw one of those “scrubbing bubbles” commercials on TV. You know, the ones where the animated bubbles behave with a hive mentality that should have been of considerable interest to the military establishment at the time? Well, being 7, I saw the commercial, then immediately ran to the bathroom, took out the scrubbing bubbles can from under the sink and proceeded to spray it all over the small, poorly ventilated, lime-green deathtrap of a confined space. Basically, I wanted to see the bubbles haul ass around the bathroom and I didn’t yet know the definition of “consequences” or “Diethylene glycol monobutyl ether.”

Here’s what happened. There were no cool-looking bubbles autonomously moving around the bathroom while cleaning everything in sight, and there certainly was none of that shiny, sparkling clean effect that you always see in TV commercials; just gobs and gobs of (probably) toxic cleaning foam. I passed out and woke up several hours later in the vegetable garden. When I walked in the house, reeking of peat moss and cleanser, my Dad calmly told me that when a boy does stupid crap, he has to sleep in the vegetable garden. The lesson is, be careful when you do stupid things, because a loved one might be forced to drag your unconscious, drooling sack of a carcass out to the garden to sleep it off.

My memory may be a bit faulty, of course. It was probably the compost heap.

Isla is only three months old, and is obviously not yet into things. I will be doing everything I can to properly child-proof the house (apparently, “childproofing” didn’t exist in the 1970s.) But I hope I have at least as much patience as my parents had with me. Especially when she decides to wake up at 3AM and start pouring baby lotion into the stove for no discernible reason. Yeah, I actually did that.

Geez, I’d better be patient, ‘cuz I don’t believe you’re allowed to keep children in the garden any more.

WPvideo 1.10
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August31st

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She Hates These Cans!

Posted in: Oh God, what now?, dogs
I’m a bad Dad. OK, Patty & I don’t have human children, so I’m more accurately a bad dog-Dad…before my morning coffee at least. There; now that I’ve accepted responsibility for the following story, I can proceed with a tale of extreme animal cunning worthy of a Cuba Gooding Jr. film ( a recent one.)

Indie is an absolute twirling nutcase at breakfast and dinnertime. I mean it; she literally twirls around until I feed her, and If I don’t hand-feed her a little of her food at a time, she can’t keep it down. To clarify, “there will be vomit.” Bear, on the other hand, greets food-time with all of the excitement of an episode of “The Mentalist.” As a result, we occasionally mix in some wet dog food to make it more palatable for him. Indie gets a little bit of wet food too, because in theory she’s a good dog…in theory. (Are you with me so far? ’cause I can write this paragraph again.)

Well, in my usual pre-coffee stupor the other morning, I accidentally left the open can of wet dog-food on the kitchen table. Fast-forward to later that day: Patty & I were in the kitchen when I suddenly remembered the little matter of the open dog food can. Unfortunately, the can was nowhere to be found in the kitchen. A quick, expletive-laden search of the house revealed a notably empty and (might I add) horribly mangled dog food can on the living room floor. At least, I ASSUME it was dog food, since even the label had been ripped off…the freaking label! We didn’t reprimand her, since the whole thing was pretty much my fault anyway. By the way, we didn’t reprimand ME either, (except for the grammar in this sentence.)

On the bright side, at least we know Indie can open cans with her teeth, because you never know when that’ll come in handy.
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May6th

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Animals, Animals, Everywhere Animals

Posted in: Movies/ TV, Oh God, what now?, dogs, humor, photos, pop culture
Sometimes Patty and I like to refer to the dogs as “Pooch #1″ and “Pooch #2;” just to let them know who REALLY assigns the names around here. Lately, Bear has been acting a lot like #2. He was playing with a piece of string this past weekend while Patty & I looked on with resigned boredom or unbridled enthusiasm. (We’re Minnesotans and we frequently mistake the two emotions.) We turned away for exactly one minute and he actually swallowed the string. We know this because after I turned off my stopwatch, the string was gone.

Well, I had no intention of removing string from an utterly horrible location at a future time…possibly while neighbor children looked on. So we figured it was time yet again to make a dog barf. I’ve had to do this once before with Indie, but Bear is a bigger dog. I led him outside and gave him several squirts of hydrogen peroxide to swallow. Quoting one of my favorite Futurama characters, I implored that he “barf like a freshman.” (Patty stares at me blankly when I say stuff like that; it’s a thing we have.) Soon enough, the string re-appeared and I performed the invigorating task of clearing away the awful barful remnants. Bear is fine, but still a little dumb.

We had another little animal-related incident in the house. Our cat, Jackson, who is the size of several old Volkswagens and twice as smelly, managed to do a little kitty demolition. The cat-room is a small closet underneath the stairs. There is a cat-door in the drywall which we typically lock at night to keep them from messing with our copies of the “Old West” series of books from Time-Life. (Did you know that John Wesley Hardin was so mean, he once shot a man just for snoring too loud?) Well, Jackson actually managed to push the cat door out of the wall. I’ll say that again ’cause it’s creepy: “he pushed the cat-door out of the wall!” I’m sorry, but if we have cats that can burst through walls, we’re screwed! In his defense, I pretty much had the door connected with duct tape and spit, so I’m surprised this didn’t happen sooner. I’ve reinstalled the cat door and reinforced the frame so Jackson the Wonder Manatee should stay where he belongs.

Some people would say I should keep a better eye on my pets. I still don’t know where the hell they get these ideas.
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April16th

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What In The Name Of All That’s Holy…

Posted in: Music, Oh God, what now?, humor, pop culture
It just never ends.

Neil Diamond is alive, and CNN is writing articles about him. Since I already wrote a Neil Diamond rant a few months ago, I’ll keep this short. He is releasing a new album and apparently we are all required to like it. He’s also starting a tour of some type. According to The Encrusted One himself, “This record represents a giant step in my evolution as a writer and a recording artist … you will see I’ve gone deeper. It was more painful to write this — maybe the most difficult album I’ve ever written, and maybe my best.” You’ve been warned, people: If you don’t appreciate this modern-day Sgt. Pepper, YOU HAVE NO SOUL!

I agree with Neil, humilty sucks. To be honest, I’m actually impressed that someone can build an entire career out of entertaining people who can only clap on the on-beat. He goes on to say that in his upcoming tour, he’ll play plenty of new stuff in addition to his, um, “hits.” Well, thank God for that! The only reason he probably won’t start with “Sweet Caroline,” is that the mad dash for the exits would kill too many people. No, oldies concerts save classics like “Freebird,” “Come Sail Away,” and “My Humps” for a little later in the night. Hey, I love Lynyrd Skynyrd, but I’m not really wondering what they’ve been writing lately.

One last thing about this, then I’ll shut up: he’s starting his tour in St. Paul! That’s too close to home! That means that sometime soon someone will hear that I’m a wannabe musician and they’ll say, “Hey, my grandma went to that Neil Diamond concert. Do you like his music?” And I’ll have to simply stare at them for a long time until they get that confused look, then back away slowly, lest I burst into tears or something.

Who am I kidding, I’m crying already.
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March25th

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Easter Was Neato

Posted in: Holidays, Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, family, food, geek, humor
Easter Sunday started off with a bit of a science experiment. OK, we retroactively called it a science experiment; we didn’t actually have a laboratory or beakers or…look, do you want to hear this or not? Indie & Bear like to have an egg with their dog food every once in awhile (hey, who doesn’t?) Well, since it was Easter, we let them split a hard-boiled egg. Suddenly, we remembered that Indie’s last couple of vomiting sessions followed the consumption of an egg. (We also realized that we never see Clark Kent and Superman at the same time. Hmmm…) Anyway, sure enough, a few minutes later Indie started heaving. Being a graduate of the University of Minnesota, I know heaving when I see it, so I knew this wasn’t going to end well. I hurried Indie outside just in time for the peristaltic funfest. She’s OK. I gave her some water, told her she’s a good girl and all is well.

Patty & I then went over to her folks’ place for lunch. We were running late because I needed to comb my hair and pick up my accordion. What, you don’t think I have an accordion? Have you read this blog? Trust me, THIS geek has an accordion. I love spending Easter with my family. Plus, I continued the time-honored tradition of biting the head off of Patty’s chocolate bunny when she’s not looking. (Why yes, I am 8 years old, why do you ask?) OK, I was just joking around and I did give her my untouched bunny in exchange, but I’m still gonna need a place to crash until this whole thing blows over.

Other than that, it was a good day to just relax and read the paper. Unfortunately, I read a rather disturbing story about a local cab driver who was stabbed by his 15 year-old passenger when she couldn’t pay the $22 cab fare. You can read the story here. Luckily the driver is going to be OK. According to the article, “The driver was stabbed with a kitchen knife in the neck, leg and buttocks.” At first I wondered how he got the buttock wound; then I realized that if someone is attacking me with a knife, at the very least, I’m farting on them.
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March21st

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A Phew Phriday Phindings

Posted in: Music, Oh God, what now?, dogs, food, humor, pop culture
OK, I had a large light roast coffee with a shot of expresso…epspresszo…um, “wake-up juice,” so I just want to voice some random thoughts. By the way, the nice lady at my coffee shop called me a “mensch” this morning. I’m going to need several dictionaries and my conversation pants.
- I’m working on a little side project that requires me to come up with 27 seconds of “baseball music.” That’s it, “baseball music.” That’s kinda vague, isn’t it? That’s a little like telling a drummer to “lay down a groove.” I’m keeping my fingers crossed that “baseball music” loosely translates into “something I wrote eight years ago,” but probably not. How much do you wanna bet I’ll be cycling through the “organ” patches on my keyboard? Take that one to the bank, people.
- I’ve mentioned that I’m a part-time musician (Oh, I’m pretty sure I have.) Since I left the band last summer, I’m finding that I need contextual clarification whenever someone suggests I “keep on rocking.” I believe it’s still considered a compliment, but it may simply be a helpful suggestion in case I look like I’m tipping slightly. Just to be safe, I’ll “keep on rocking,” but I’ll stop if it starts to upset passersby. I might be over-thinking this.
- Indie & Bear are not amused by the new snow we got this morning. Not even a little. Bear gave me his typical Will Smith-like, “Oh Hell no! You did NOT send me out into that snow!” I told him, “hey, if you don’t like it, you’re welcome to stay with a nice Arizona family. Oh, you don’t KNOW anyone in Arizona? Well, maybe you should calm down then. And I’m not a yutz!” Most of our conversations go that way.
- I’m hankerin’ for a big ‘ol bag of mini-donuts. Seriously, I’ll give a “shout-out” (as the kids like to say) to anyone who can hook that up.
- The local news rag had a big article featuring Ashlee Simpson yesterday. Apparently she has red hair now, or she bought a pantsuit, or something. Um, I can remember a time when getting caught lip-syncing on TV would have made someone, you know, go away.
- Surprisingly, I’m finding that I need a haircut; take THAT, everyone who ever called me “Baldo McGillicuddy!” You know who you are, ya bastards! (Sorry. Coffee.)
- Finally, I can no longer hide my disappointment that I’m rarely introduced as “The Step-Brother of Funk.”
There, I said it.
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March10th

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A Purposeful Grimace And A Terrible Sound

Posted in: Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, games, humor, pop culture
Walked in the door last night and saw this thing:

Patty brought it home as a toy for Indie & Bear. Oh, and it sounds like this:

(Whatthe?)

You know, I work long days as a night watchman at the Minnesota Video Cassette Depository (Beta Division 3) and this is probably the last thing I need to hear and/or see when I walk through the door. On the other hand, Indie & Bear are even more freaked out by the sound than I am, so that’s kinda cool to watch. We don’t actually let them play with the toy, because we’d like it to survive for more than 10 seconds. Plus, like most of us, Bear has problems passing squeakers. We’re looking into it.

Patty has named this little scamp “Godzilla.” I gently pointed out that Godzilla was actually a large lizard-like creature, whereas this toy appears to be a representation of some type of monkey. I was quickly educated as to the irrelevance of these kinds of distinctions. I also concluded that a lot of my “helpful information” is neither “helpful,” nor is it “information;” The little guy is named “Godzilla,” and Godzilla help you if you suggest otherwise. Got it?

Damn right you do.
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January16th

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Freakin’ Brrr (Plus Pictures!)

Posted in: Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, games, humor, photos
OK, so it’s cold here in Minnesota. Really cold. It’s the kind of cold weather that people think we always have up here in Paradise. (We call it “Pants Weather.”) As a result of this extreme Butt-Coldness, our dogs, Indie & Bear are bored. Really bored. Like, “Kevin Costner Movie” bored.

At first we didn’t know why Bear was whining all the time. I figured it was because of the Writers Strike or something, but apparently dogs like physical activity. (Boy, you learn something new every day!) I’m sitting there asking him what he wants like I’m in some pathetic Lassie episode (which, of course, is all of them.) I even tried changing his name to “Whinemeister B,” to give him some street cred, but nothing worked! A friend of mine even suggested a “poochie psychiatrist!” Honestly, if I won’t seek psychiatric help, what chance do you think the dog has?

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best time to play with the dogs outside, what with it being 146 degrees below zero and all. As a result, we’ve been playing games indoors. The games have a annoying tendency to result in extensive drywall damage and bodily injury; just like my baptism, if the photos are to be believed. Indie likes to play too, but since she’s a girl, she really prefers Barbie’s Malibu Rawhide Chewey McChewies, or Bark Bark Revolution (always with the barking.)

I found some great websites with all sorts of indoor activities that will hopefully keep Bear from going all Jack Torrance on us. So far, Indie & Bear both love hide & seek, but truthfully, they’re actually very bad at it; I waited behind that door for a damn hour! I nearly ran out of tortilla chips too! They also love to play fetch with the tennis ball (please see “drywall damage” reference above.) Oh well, at least I get to go to Home Depot more often.

As promised after last week’s oh-so-cathartic Neil Diamond rant, here are some pictures of Indie & Bear for your dining & dancing pleasure. Enjoy!
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December18th

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Bunly Goodness

Posted in: Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, humor, parenting
I know it’s the Holiday season and both of the people who read this blog are very busy, so I’ll be quick; Indie eats everything in sight and Patty baked buns on Sunday. Have a great Christmas! Enjoy your shopping!

All right, here’s the lengthier and slightly more disgusting version: Read More | Comments
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November7th

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Fatdog

Posted in: Oh God, what now?, dogs, humor
OK, Indie isn’t actually “fat” yet, but she is becoming a pro at sneaking extra dog food when Patty & I aren’t looking. It’s like she uses that “dog hypnosis” that you always hear about on TV. Read More | Comments
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