Minnesota Chris Schuette – Indiebear Music

Minnesota

April26th

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A Helluva Backyard

Posted in: dogs, humor, Minnesota, photos

The sun blazed down upon my head. I was running as fast as I could, but the marsh and the strong wind seemed to conspire against me. I ducked into the tall grass, hoping to avoid the mysterious individual with the high-tech surveillance equipment, as well as the wild dogs. Alas, I was unsuccessful. The beasts caught my scent and bore down upon me with ferocious intent…

…and proceeded to lick the side of my face. Ew, dog breath! I stood up as Patty was removing the lens cap from her new camera. “Having fun?” she asked. I was having fun. This was on one of the first real snow-free days around here, so Patty & I decided to head out into the nature area with Indie & Bear. They got to run around, I got to do whatever it is I do, and Patty was finally able to take some photos of things other than our living room and me (“Hey! Is that Marty Feldman?”)

Patty said she’s still learning her way around the new camera, but she did get some good shots:

At least one of us has talent. I’m looking forward to more photos soon.

Oh, and sorry I haven’t written much lately, the new job has been keeping me pretty busy…OK, I’ve been sitting around eating graham crackers and frosting; are you happy?
March25th

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Easter Was Neato

Posted in: dogs, family, food, geek, Holidays, humor, Minnesota

Easter Sunday started off with a bit of a science experiment. OK, we retroactively called it a science experiment; we didn’t actually have a laboratory or beakers or…look, do you want to hear this or not? Indie & Bear like to have an egg with their dog food every once in awhile (hey, who doesn’t?) Well, since it was Easter, we let them split a hard-boiled egg. Suddenly, we remembered that Indie’s last couple of vomiting sessions followed the consumption of an egg. (We also realized that we never see Clark Kent and Superman at the same time. Hmmm…) Anyway, sure enough, a few minutes later Indie started heaving. Being a graduate of the University of Minnesota, I know heaving when I see it, so I knew this wasn’t going to end well. I hurried Indie outside just in time for the peristaltic funfest. She’s OK. I gave her some water, told her she’s a good girl and all is well.

Patty & I then went over to her folks’ place for lunch. We were running late because I needed to comb my hair and pick up my accordion. What, you don’t think I have an accordion? Have you read this blog? Trust me, THIS geek has an accordion. I love spending Easter with my family. Plus, I continued the time-honored tradition of biting the head off of Patty’s chocolate bunny when she’s not looking. (Why yes, I am 8 years old, why do you ask?) OK, I was just joking around and I did give her my untouched bunny in exchange, but I’m still gonna need a place to crash until this whole thing blows over.

Other than that, it was a good day to just relax and read the paper. Unfortunately, I read a rather disturbing story about a local cab driver who was stabbed by his 15 year-old passenger when she couldn’t pay the $22 cab fare. You can read the story here. Luckily the driver is going to be OK. According to the article, “The driver was stabbed with a kitchen knife in the neck, leg and buttocks.” At first I wondered how he got the buttock wound; then I realized that if someone is attacking me with a knife, at the very least, I’m farting on them.
March17th

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Run For Your Lives!

Posted in: humor, Minnesota

The News Monsters at our local newspaper have been kind enough to warn all good Minnesotans about the imminent arrival of “heart attack snow.”

Are they trying to scare the hell out of us? I’ve lived here my entire life and I’ve never heard the term, “heart attack snow.” Not once! I’m not bringing my shovel anywhere near “heart attack snow.” I’m also on the lookout for “Acid Reflux Hail Stones,”"Searing Migraine Hedge Overgrowth,”"Incontinence Tornadoes,” and, “Sore Ankle Pick-Up-The-Damn Living Room.”

I get it. It’s heavy, wet snow, but I think we’ll be OK. It’s March! Stay inside and ignore it; it’ll be gone in two days.

Oh, and I didn’t link to the article, ’cause, you know…gimme a break. Sheesh!
March10th

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A Purposeful Grimace And A Terrible Sound

Posted in: dogs, games, humor, Minnesota, pop culture

Walked in the door last night and saw this thing:

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Patty brought it home as a toy for Indie & Bear. Oh, and it sounds like this:

(Whatthe?)

You know, I work long days as a night watchman at the Minnesota Video Cassette Depository (Beta Division 3) and this is probably the last thing I need to hear and/or see when I walk through the door. On the other hand, Indie & Bear are even more freaked out by the sound than I am, so that’s kinda cool to watch. We don’t actually let them play with the toy, because we’d like it to survive for more than 10 seconds. Plus, like most of us, Bear has problems passing squeakers. We’re looking into it.

Patty has named this little scamp “Godzilla.” I gently pointed out that Godzilla was actually a large lizard-like creature, whereas this toy appears to be a representation of some type of monkey. I was quickly educated as to the irrelevance of these kinds of distinctions. I also concluded that a lot of my “helpful information” is neither “helpful,” nor is it “information;” The little guy is named “Godzilla,” and Godzilla help you if you suggest otherwise. Got it?

Damn right you do.
January30th

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Cheez Whiz Is Just All Right With Me

Posted in: family, food, humor, Minnesota

It was 15 degrees below zero this morning and it was like, 10 below yesterday. On the other hand, the temperature here in Minneapolis was almost 40 degrees above zero on Monday. That’s a veritable heat wave for January in Minnesota.

I bring this up for two reasons. First, people love reading blogs where idiots talk about the weather, and second, Monday is the day I should have gone grocery shopping. We’re dangerously close to running out of food. Unfortunately, Monday was too nice of a day to go grocery shopping (what with all the golfing, water-skiing and log-rolling,) and today is the kind of day where you don’t immediately realize you’ve lost fingers as you, oh I don’t know, walk to the mailbox. As a result, Patty and I are trying to use up the food we have before requesting an airlift from Anchorage. It’s amazing what you will consider eating for dinner when you just don’t want to venture outside: crackers, soup, popcorn, emergency pizza, and hey, that can of pulverized bacon shards is looking pretty good. We’re actually hoping to go shopping on Friday…unless the weather is either too nice or too lousy, of course.

And by the way, I freely admit how ridiculous all of this sounds. My grandpa worked a farm and raised 8 kids in Central Minnesota during the Depression and World War II, while I get tired if I have to go to the gas station and the bank in the same day.

“Hearty Minnesotan,” my butt. Maybe I could take a class, or something.
January16th

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Freakin’ Brrr (Plus Pictures!)

Posted in: dogs, games, humor, Minnesota, photos

OK, so it’s cold here in Minnesota. Really cold. It’s the kind of cold weather that people think we always have up here in Paradise. (We call it “Pants Weather.”) As a result of this extreme Butt-Coldness, our dogs, Indie & Bear are bored. Really bored. Like, “Kevin Costner Movie” bored.

At first we didn’t know why Bear was whining all the time. I figured it was because of the Writers Strike or something, but apparently dogs like physical activity. (Boy, you learn something new every day!) I’m sitting there asking him what he wants like I’m in some pathetic Lassie episode (which, of course, is all of them.) I even tried changing his name to “Whinemeister B,” to give him some street cred, but nothing worked! A friend of mine even suggested a “poochie psychiatrist!” Honestly, if I won’t seek psychiatric help, what chance do you think the dog has?

Unfortunately, this isn’t the best time to play with the dogs outside, what with it being 146 degrees below zero and all. As a result, we’ve been playing games indoors. The games have a annoying tendency to result in extensive drywall damage and bodily injury; just like my baptism, if the photos are to be believed. Indie likes to play too, but since she’s a girl, she really prefers Barbie’s Malibu Rawhide Chewey McChewies, or Bark Bark Revolution (always with the barking.)

I found some great websites with all sorts of indoor activities that will hopefully keep Bear from going all Jack Torrance on us. So far, Indie & Bear both love hide & seek, but truthfully, they’re actually very bad at it; I waited behind that door for a damn hour! I nearly ran out of tortilla chips too! They also love to play fetch with the tennis ball (please see “drywall damage” reference above.) Oh well, at least I get to go to Home Depot more often.

As promised after last week’s oh-so-cathartic Neil Diamond rant, here are some pictures of Indie & Bear for your dining & dancing pleasure. Enjoy!
December26th

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Yes Dear, You’re a “Writer”

Posted in: family, Holidays, humor, Minnesota

Patty and I spent Christmas Eve over at my Mom’s place. The whole family was there and we had a great time. It’s a wonderful opportunity to catch up on all the latest family news while enjoying both kinds of nog: egg and beef. Of course, a few family members wanted to know what I’ve been up to, so I tell them about this blog.

Have you ever tried explaining blogging to your non-techie family members? They look at you like you’re nuts…even when you’re NOT stuffing your face full of day-old brisket. I love the responses I get: Read More | Comments
December20th

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Well, That Was Close

Posted in: Holidays, humor, Minnesota, Movies/ TV, photos

I bought Patty a new camera online for Christmas. One of those Canon Digital SLR jobbies (not pictured.) I have a little savings account that I use just for music gear and other crap that I just GOTTA have, but I wanted to get Patty something really nice. Now, you have to understand that Patty never teases me about my interests or how much these interests can cost. Conversely, she has been so busy that she hasn’t been able to really pursue her hobbies and interests lately. I knew that she had been researching cameras and had expressed interest in buying one after Christmas, so I figured I would surprise her on Christmas Eve with the Canon. (Unlike last year when I surprised her with Cannon, Mr. William Conrad)

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December18th

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Bunly Goodness

Posted in: dogs, humor, Minnesota, parenting

I know it’s the Holiday season and both of the people who read this blog are very busy, so I’ll be quick; Indie eats everything in sight and Patty baked buns on Sunday. Have a great Christmas! Enjoy your shopping!

All right, here’s the lengthier and slightly more disgusting version: Read More | Comments
December6th

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37

Posted in: geek, humor, Minnesota, Movies/ TV, Music

I turned 37 last Friday. (And yes, I DID get the ham you sent, thank you.) It feels OK. I mean, I’ve never been 37 before, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like. I actually thought I’d be taller. To tell you the truth, when I was a kid, I could never really visualize my life after age 30. I probably figured I’d be killed in a hover-car accident at a Millennial Celebration. I consider myself lucky in that I’ve always been comfortable with my age, no matter what it is. OK, like most people, I did feel awkward as a teenager. Here, take a look:

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