Minnesota Chris Schuette – Indiebear Music

Minnesota

October5th

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Red Wing-ing It

Posted in: Minnesota, humor, travel
Patty & I went to Red Wing, MN over the weekend. No, we weren’t there to look at all the vintage photos of Charles Nelson Reilly. We actually went down to load up on small town charm and to look at antiques. Trust me, if you ever dreamed of getting into a slap-fight with a cranky octogenarian over an early-20th century Victrola, Red Wing is the place for you! (I’ll wait while you Google that entire sentence.)

I’m not really that into antiques, but Patty is looking for a new Dining Room table, and I am totally trying to impress her with my vast knowledge of tables, TV trays and certain ledges. Truthfully, the only thing I know about antique tables is that napping on them is strictly and abruptly frowned-upon…with actual frowning…plus some glowering (although, I think that clerk was just showing off. ) We didn’t find a table, but Patty found some sweet picture frames and a really boss old camera. Check it out:

Perhaps the most disturbing thing that I found, other than the racy pictures of Ernest Borgnine,

WWEBD?

was this old action figure carrying case (made of genuine plastic, so don’t settle for imitations.)

*cough* Rip-off! *cough*

Pardon my casual, socially-acceptable swearing, but what the hell is “Star World??” I’ll let all of the hardcore Star Wars fans out there check out this particular bit of lawsuit-fodder, but I have to ask, “What’s with the Fabio Space Monkey?”

All in all, it was nice quick little trip out of town. The weather was lousy, but we didn’t care; because the most important thing is that…

…I’m sorry, but is ”Darth Vader” wearing an evil skating outfit??

Never mind, I’d better go sleep this off.
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December5th

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Weekly Thing #29: See a Sigh

Posted in: Minnesota, Music, Weekly Thing, humor, pop culture
Patty & I went to the Science Museum of Minnesota last weekend. It was my birthday, so for fun I like to ask what’s up with those dinosaurs, since the world in only 6000 years old. They look horrified, I get a chuckle, and no harm done. We also got to solve a murder, but before that we checked out the CSI:The Experience exhibit where you get to solve a fake murder. They give you a clipboard, you look at “crime scene,” then do all sorts of sciencey stuff to figure out how the fake-person fake-died. Pretty cool, although the mouth-breathers in front of us in line felt it necessary to bring a bunch of young children in with them. I dunno, that seems a little intense for kids, doesn’t it? Hell, I was slightly traumatized when I saw the witch melting in the Wizard of Oz (luckily it prepared for the sight of Nazis melting in Raiders of the Lost Ark.)

Anyway, I wrote some music in a style hopefully reminiscent of the music one might hear on CSI. I call it “See a Sigh” ’cause I hate lawsuits. It runs 1:08m and makes me feel like a big man.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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November14th

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Weekly Thing #26: FatCatWalk

Posted in: Minnesota, Movies/ TV, Music, Weekly Thing, humor, pop culture
Now that the election is over, I’ve been able to get around to more important things, like dreading the onslaught of another Minnesota winter. We’ve already had our first snowfall and I’m starting to feel like Minnesota isn’t the paradise I thought it was. At least I have more time to follow that exciting William Shatner/George Takei feud. ‘Cause with all of the challenges facing our country at this time, the juvenile bickering of two washed-up and slightly creepy old guys is more important than ever.

I recorded this piece a while back, but I somehow forgot to post it. It’s called FatCatWalk and it runs 0:51m. It’s my attempt at cartoonish incidental music; the kind of background music you hear in a show while someone is sneaking around. Share the warmth.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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July2nd

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Weekly Thing #7: Iron Chef 3

Posted in: Minnesota, Music, Weekly Thing, humor
It’s official. The music for the upcoming “Iron Chef America” game for the Nintendo Wii is done. The game is supposed to come out before Christmas. Honestly, I can’t wait to see if they spell my name correctly. (Hey, it could happen!)

Here is the last piece I composed and recorded for the game. Since it will be part of a video game, I don’t have a monstrously clever name for it. Let’s just call it “Iron Chef 3″ and see if that works. The song is 44 seconds long, which like the others, will be played as a loop in the game itself.

Have a great July 4th weekend. I’ll be on an honest-to-God Minnesota lake. Sounds wet.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download
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May7th

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Are You That Other Guy?

Posted in: Minnesota, Movies/ TV, humor, pop culture
Someone from Minnesota won the $180 Million Powerball thingie last week. I love it when Minnesotans win the lottery. Most of them plan to pay off their boat and maybe fix up their cabin if they can get time off from work. They look like nice people though.

Good news: You have more money than you’ll ever need. Bad News: you kinda look like Les Nessman

Speaking of my unhealthy obsession with old TV shows, I should probably admit that I used to rot my brain watching Gilligan’s Island. Hey, it was the 70’s and I was into some weird stuff, OK? Well, The Professor was played by an actor named Russell Johnson, who was also in like, EVERY Twilight Zone episode (OK, just two.) My cursory review of Mr. Johnson’s Wikipedia entry revealed the words no one wants to see in their bio:
On the one hand, you’re famous enough to have a Wikipedia entry. Unfortunately, some people were really hoping that you were slightly more homicidal. That has to be tough at parties; “Oh, you’re the actor, NOT the killer? Well, I knew I recognized you from somewhere. Yeah, I gotta go.”

I’m fortunate enough to have one of those names that is shared by relatively few people. A Google search reveals that my vaguely humorous name is shared by an actor, an attorney, a High School track star, and a whole mess o’ Germans. I’ve never heard from any of these people, but I bet we all hope that each of us behaves ourselves.

So far, so good, but I’m keeping an eye on that attorney.
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April26th

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A Helluva Backyard

Posted in: Minnesota, dogs, humor, photos
The sun blazed down upon my head. I was running as fast as I could, but the marsh and the strong wind seemed to conspire against me. I ducked into the tall grass, hoping to avoid the mysterious individual with the high-tech surveillance equipment, as well as the wild dogs. Alas, I was unsuccessful. The beasts caught my scent and bore down upon me with ferocious intent…

…and proceeded to lick the side of my face. Ew, dog breath! I stood up as Patty was removing the lens cap from her new camera. “Having fun?” she asked. I was having fun. This was on one of the first real snow-free days around here, so Patty & I decided to head out into the nature area with Indie & Bear. They got to run around, I got to do whatever it is I do, and Patty was finally able to take some photos of things other than our living room and me (“Hey! Is that Marty Feldman?”)

Patty said she’s still learning her way around the new camera, but she did get some good shots:

At least one of us has talent. I’m looking forward to more photos soon.

Oh, and sorry I haven’t written much lately, the new job has been keeping me pretty busy…OK, I’ve been sitting around eating graham crackers and frosting; are you happy?
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March25th

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Easter Was Neato

Posted in: Holidays, Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, family, food, geek, humor
Easter Sunday started off with a bit of a science experiment. OK, we retroactively called it a science experiment; we didn’t actually have a laboratory or beakers or…look, do you want to hear this or not? Indie & Bear like to have an egg with their dog food every once in awhile (hey, who doesn’t?) Well, since it was Easter, we let them split a hard-boiled egg. Suddenly, we remembered that Indie’s last couple of vomiting sessions followed the consumption of an egg. (We also realized that we never see Clark Kent and Superman at the same time. Hmmm…) Anyway, sure enough, a few minutes later Indie started heaving. Being a graduate of the University of Minnesota, I know heaving when I see it, so I knew this wasn’t going to end well. I hurried Indie outside just in time for the peristaltic funfest. She’s OK. I gave her some water, told her she’s a good girl and all is well.

Patty & I then went over to her folks’ place for lunch. We were running late because I needed to comb my hair and pick up my accordion. What, you don’t think I have an accordion? Have you read this blog? Trust me, THIS geek has an accordion. I love spending Easter with my family. Plus, I continued the time-honored tradition of biting the head off of Patty’s chocolate bunny when she’s not looking. (Why yes, I am 8 years old, why do you ask?) OK, I was just joking around and I did give her my untouched bunny in exchange, but I’m still gonna need a place to crash until this whole thing blows over.

Other than that, it was a good day to just relax and read the paper. Unfortunately, I read a rather disturbing story about a local cab driver who was stabbed by his 15 year-old passenger when she couldn’t pay the $22 cab fare. You can read the story here. Luckily the driver is going to be OK. According to the article, “The driver was stabbed with a kitchen knife in the neck, leg and buttocks.” At first I wondered how he got the buttock wound; then I realized that if someone is attacking me with a knife, at the very least, I’m farting on them.
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March17th

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Run For Your Lives!

Posted in: Minnesota, humor
The News Monsters at our local newspaper have been kind enough to warn all good Minnesotans about the imminent arrival of “heart attack snow.”

Are they trying to scare the hell out of us? I’ve lived here my entire life and I’ve never heard the term, “heart attack snow.” Not once! I’m not bringing my shovel anywhere near “heart attack snow.” I’m also on the lookout for “Acid Reflux Hail Stones,”"Searing Migraine Hedge Overgrowth,”"Incontinence Tornadoes,” and, “Sore Ankle Pick-Up-The-Damn Living Room.”

I get it. It’s heavy, wet snow, but I think we’ll be OK. It’s March! Stay inside and ignore it; it’ll be gone in two days.

Oh, and I didn’t link to the article, ’cause, you know…gimme a break. Sheesh!
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March10th

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A Purposeful Grimace And A Terrible Sound

Posted in: Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, games, humor, pop culture
Walked in the door last night and saw this thing:

Patty brought it home as a toy for Indie & Bear. Oh, and it sounds like this:

(Whatthe?)

You know, I work long days as a night watchman at the Minnesota Video Cassette Depository (Beta Division 3) and this is probably the last thing I need to hear and/or see when I walk through the door. On the other hand, Indie & Bear are even more freaked out by the sound than I am, so that’s kinda cool to watch. We don’t actually let them play with the toy, because we’d like it to survive for more than 10 seconds. Plus, like most of us, Bear has problems passing squeakers. We’re looking into it.

Patty has named this little scamp “Godzilla.” I gently pointed out that Godzilla was actually a large lizard-like creature, whereas this toy appears to be a representation of some type of monkey. I was quickly educated as to the irrelevance of these kinds of distinctions. I also concluded that a lot of my “helpful information” is neither “helpful,” nor is it “information;” The little guy is named “Godzilla,” and Godzilla help you if you suggest otherwise. Got it?

Damn right you do.
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January30th

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Cheez Whiz Is Just All Right With Me

Posted in: Minnesota, family, food, humor
It was 15 degrees below zero this morning and it was like, 10 below yesterday. On the other hand, the temperature here in Minneapolis was almost 40 degrees above zero on Monday. That’s a veritable heat wave for January in Minnesota.

I bring this up for two reasons. First, people love reading blogs where idiots talk about the weather, and second, Monday is the day I should have gone grocery shopping. We’re dangerously close to running out of food. Unfortunately, Monday was too nice of a day to go grocery shopping (what with all the golfing, water-skiing and log-rolling,) and today is the kind of day where you don’t immediately realize you’ve lost fingers as you, oh I don’t know, walk to the mailbox. As a result, Patty and I are trying to use up the food we have before requesting an airlift from Anchorage. It’s amazing what you will consider eating for dinner when you just don’t want to venture outside: crackers, soup, popcorn, emergency pizza, and hey, that can of pulverized bacon shards is looking pretty good. We’re actually hoping to go shopping on Friday…unless the weather is either too nice or too lousy, of course.

And by the way, I freely admit how ridiculous all of this sounds. My grandpa worked a farm and raised 8 kids in Central Minnesota during the Depression and World War II, while I get tired if I have to go to the gas station and the bank in the same day.

“Hearty Minnesotan,” my butt. Maybe I could take a class, or something.
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