humor Chris Schuette – Indiebear Music

humor

November8th

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Current Family Favorite

Posted in: Baby, dogs, humor

Isla is growing like an adorable widdle weed and as a result, she is rapidly outgrowing some of the funnier (and less offensive) clothing she currently owns. Patty & I figured it was our last chance to photograph her in this particular article of clothing. As you can see, Indie & Bear are slightly less than amused…but only slightly.

OK, it’s a cute photo, but in all seriousness, we were VERY careful in staging this photo with Isla and the dogs. What this photo doesn’t show is me standing just off-camera ready to grab Isla if either one of our dogs moved even a little. Make no mistake, Indie & Bear are wonderful dogs and they have been great around Isla, but despite their training, dogs and other pets are still inherently unpredictable and should never be left alone with a child, even for a minute.

Betcha didn’t think I knew that, did you?
November7th

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Weekends With Isla

Posted in: Baby, humor, Music, parenting

I’ve been having a great time with Wifey & Isla lately. Isla is getting over a cold and her very first ear infection, and other than some residual congestion, she seems to be doing just fine. As you can expect, our little girl’s mood has been improving as well. Oh, and she’s doing this now:

Of course, no good will come of that.

The weekends have become even more important to me, since I feel like I never get enough “Baby Facetime.” (This is of course different from “Babyface Time,” of which I get plenty.)

In addition to our regular weekend activities of ignoring various household chores, I’ve been giving more home concerts for Patty & Isla. Since Isla has hearing loss, she gets to sit on the piano (with moral and literal support from Patty, of course.) She seems to enjoy the music and the attention. Plus, everyone loves to sit on a piano!

There has also been plenty of simple, but important play time with Isla’s laughter filling up the home. (Yes, it’s VERY distracting!) However, one thing Patty & I still struggle with is getting Isla to sleep at night. The little girl really struggles and fusses, and it takes a while to get her from warp speed back down to impulse speed and finally back into spacedock. (Um, I’ve actually been informed that my Star Trek references are neither amusing, nor insightful. However, I still want her to live long and prosper, and I want her to ask the important questions in life. Questions such as “Do the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few?”and “What do we do about this whole ‘whale thing’?” and of course, “What does God need with a Starship?”)

Anyway, we are finding some tricks that help, such as swaddling her so that her flailing arms don’t cause a re-awakening. We’re also experimenting with different types of music and lighting. It’s a bit like running a nightclub or carpet store.

We also met recently with a very nice family whose son, who has been deaf his whole life is now a Senior in High school and will be attending college in New York. The meeting was a great way to just talk with a family who has been down the road we’re heading. We have a lot to think about, but we know we’re not alone.

Oh, and we’re also really freaking tired.
October19th

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What’s In My Wallet?

Posted in: humor

I got my replacement Visa card in the mail yesterday. I never use this particular card, except when I want to purchase things I don’t want Patty to know about. (And if y’all could keep quiet about that, that would be mucho awesome!)

I’ve activated credit cards before, and the procedure has always been the same: I get the new credit card in the mail, I call the number on the sticker, I enter (or mutter) my credit card number, I enter (or scream) the last 4 digits of my Social Security Number. I then receive an automated message telling me my card has been activated, and I’m on my way to ordering record players, big-ass donuts, or slightly damaged Bunsen Burners for my ongoing Bunsen Burner habit.

This time was different. This time, I called the phone number, entered my credit card number and last 4 digits of my SSN, and I cheerfully awaited the recording telling me the card was active. Instead, I was greeted by a real live human being. I hate that. I actually said nothing at first, because I was not expecting this. I should pause here for a moment and point out that I used the crappy phone in our house because it was nearby, and I didn’t expect to talk to real live Meatbag. This is the phone with the broken speaker that makes people on the other end sound like Daleks from Doctor Who.

Yeah, These Guys

Well, I suddenly realized I was involved in a sales pitch from the Kelly-Dalek. I suppose it is possible that the Kelly-Dalek is interested in extermination and hunting down a time traveler in a flying blue box, but at the moment, she was more concerned about me being a victim of identity theft. (A partial quote: “because identity-theft is a very bad thing.”) With her grating, metallic voice, she wanted to enroll me in something called “Credit Guard,” which apparently protects…Geez, you know, I’m just going to kinda trail off here, ‘cuz it’s getting pretty boring.

I was very polite to the Kelly-Dalek as I declined her abysmal, yet frightening sales pitch, and she was surprisingly chipper for an unstoppable killing machine. Eventually, my card was activated and I returned it to my wallet where it will likely remain.

At least until I get the winning bid on THIS bad boy.

Affirmative, Master
October5th

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Does Anyone Remember Laughter?

Posted in: Baby, humor, parenting

I’ve been kind of a no-show here lately. I had no idea that raising a baby and going back to work would be what the kids like to call “time-consuming.”

The other night, Patty and I were enjoying our usual Sunday evening where we sit and stare blankly at Elisabeth. Well, our li’l noisemaker apparently found this very amusing. Patty grabbed the video camera and here is what we got.

Suddenly, I’m feeling very creative again.
August31st

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Learned-ing

Posted in: humor, parenting

As I blindingly venture into my future as a responsible parent (no, seriously; stay with me.) I now appreciate that my parents had a very (and I mean VERY) challenging job, what with my alleged hyperactivity, my unconscionably high intake of Rondo – The Thirst Crusher, and my carefree use of parentheses (like this one. You know, I should just write the whole damn blog in parentheses if I like them so much.)

Where was I? Oh yes, my unholy experiences as a disturbingly hyperactive blond kid from the suburbs.

This gets less cute the longer I’m a parent.

Like this one time as a kid, I saw one of those “scrubbing bubbles” commercials on TV. You know, the ones where the animated bubbles behave with a hive mentality that should have been of considerable interest to the military establishment at the time? Well, being 7, I saw the commercial, then immediately ran to the bathroom, took out the scrubbing bubbles can from under the sink and proceeded to spray it all over the small, poorly ventilated, lime-green deathtrap of a confined space. Basically, I wanted to see the bubbles haul ass around the bathroom and I didn’t yet know the definition of “consequences” or “Diethylene glycol monobutyl ether.”

Here’s what happened. There were no cool-looking bubbles autonomously moving around the bathroom while cleaning everything in sight, and there certainly was none of that shiny, sparkling clean effect that you always see in TV commercials; just gobs and gobs of (probably) toxic cleaning foam. I passed out and woke up several hours later in the vegetable garden. When I walked in the house, reeking of peat moss and cleanser, my Dad calmly told me that when a boy does stupid crap, he has to sleep in the vegetable garden. The lesson is, be careful when you do stupid things, because a loved one might be forced to drag your unconscious, drooling sack of a carcass out to the garden to sleep it off.

My memory may be a bit faulty, of course. It was probably the compost heap.

Isla is only three months old, and is obviously not yet into things. I will be doing everything I can to properly child-proof the house (apparently, “childproofing” didn’t exist in the 1970s.) But I hope I have at least as much patience as my parents had with me. Especially when she decides to wake up at 3AM and start pouring baby lotion into the stove for no discernible reason. Yeah, I actually did that.

Geez, I’d better be patient, ‘cuz I don’t believe you’re allowed to keep children in the garden any more.
August20th

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Hearing

Posted in: Baby, Hearing Loss, humor, parenting

Elisabeth got her hearing aids this week. Now she’ll finally be able to hear all of the pop culture references and other piddly crap I bore people with on a daily basis. We can also stop using loud Van Halen albums to put her to sleep. Patty & I couldn’t be happier, and as I mentioned before, we’re glad that her hearing can be assisted or “aided,” if you will.

I confess that when I first envisioned Elisabeth wearing hearing aids, I imagined this:

However, Patty was not agreeable to the nickname, “TooCuteus of Borg.”

We had a choice of colors for the hearing aids; Patty wanted pink, and I wanted black. Anyway, check out Elisabeth’s pink hearing aids!

I was holding Elisabeth when the hearing aids were switched on. As soon as she heard my voice, her eyes opened wide with amazement. When Patty talked to her, Elisabeth immediately turned to her and smiled. This was definitely an experience I will never forget.

I’ll just leave it at that for now.
July30th

3 Comments

Munch-a-Bunch of Baby Photos

Posted in: Baby, humor

A couple of weeks ago, Patty, Isla and I got the chance to hang out with our good friends, Tom Dunn & Colleen McGuire. I’ve known Tom Dunn for many years, and he and his wife, Colleen have become incredible friends to us. Tom is a professional photographer. He is a very good professional photographer. So good, in fact, that I have thrown away all of my cameras (even the valuable ones) because honestly, there is just no point anymore. However, I’m keeping the camcorder, as I’m still pretty good at pressing “record.”

We were just meeting at the St. Paul Farmers Market to do some catching up, and Tom was kind enough to take some amazing photos of Isla. As I mentioned before, Isla slept the whole time. Still, the photos are instant treasures to us. Be sure to check out Tom Dunn’s website. Then hire him. Immediately.
July23rd

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Dealable

Posted in: Baby, Hearing Loss, humor, parenting

Soon after a baby is born, the nurses perform a hearing test. The test involves attaching electrodes to baby’s head and testing for brain response to audio stimuli. It’s not uncommon for babies to fail the initial test due to fluid in the ears and other potential factors. Isla failed the first test, so we had a follow-up test a few weeks ago. She failed that one too, so after confirming she didn’t have an ear infection, the next step was to visit a Doctor of Audiology at the University of Minnesota yesterday afternoon.

The test determined that Isla has significant hearing loss. More specifically, she has moderate to severe hearing loss in her right ear and mild to moderate hearing loss in her left ear. In practical terms, she can still hear our voices, she can still hear dogs barking, and she can still hear music; it just sounds much more quiet to her. She also has difficulty in hearing higher frequencies, but as everyone knows, all the good stuff happens at lower frequencies anyway.

We will be meeting with some specialists in the next several weeks so we can get started on a plan. They will work to determine the cause of her hearing loss, but considering she is less than two months old, we are prepared to rule out Led Zeppelin’s 1972 North American Tour. Isla will also be fitted for baby hearing aids, which of course will help her with language development. And you’d better believe we will set her up with the most adorable widdle hearing aids ever.

Patty & I are relieved. Until yesterday, we didn’t know if she could hear anything. Now that we know what we’re dealing with, we can help. We’re going to learn sign language, and we’re going to do whatever it takes to help our girl. I even plan to finally stop mumbling and shave my big honking mustache.

I totally look like this guy!

Oh, one last thing. We noticed early on that Isla never seemed to startle at loud, sudden noises. As we were walking through the parking ramp following the appointment, someone hit their car horn right next to us. Patty & I jumped, and Isla immediately started crying in her stroller. Patty went to console her, but I just said one word:

“Awesome.”
July20th

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Six Weeks

Posted in: Baby, humor, parenting

Oh, so THAT’S what everyone was talking about when they said, “get some sleep before the baby comes.” Well, maybe if people weren’t laughing so much when they said it, I would have taken them seriously.

Isla is six weeks old today and although she is not as tiny as the day she was born, she is even more beautiful. As you can imagine, the past six weeks have been a tremendous learning experience for Patty and me. The most important thing we have learned is that we absolutely love being parents. Even with the lack of sleep, the disjointed schedules, and the fact that previously mundane activities have been transformed into massive undertakings requiring honest-to-God planning, we love the new gig.

Indie & Bear were a little nervous at first, but they have finally warmed up to the adorable li’l screamer. Also, Bear can be bribed with “ice cream.”

This past weekend we also brought Isla to her first Farmers Market where we met up some great friends. The sheer excitement of being in St. Paul, MN caused her to completely pass out. Seriously, she slept the whole time! Even while we looked at Parsnips! Parsnips!!

Now that I’m done saying “parsnips,” here’s a photo of the ~~pasty~~ happy family. Um, Patty and I didn’t realize we were both wearing black until we got there. Isla is of course looking stunningly sleepy in her red cherry dress.

Credit: tomdunnphoto.com

Man, I wish I could sleep like that.
June17th

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Spit Up and Take Notice

Posted in: Baby, humor, parenting

Elisabeth spit up on me for the first time today. I haven’t had another human being spit up on me since my Confirmation, so the events of earlier today came as a peristaltic stroll down memory lane. The strange thing is that I didn’t mind, not really. It’s absolutely true; when it is someone you care about all other concerns just kinda fade into the background. Not that I want to make of habit of this, mind you.

I should also point out that Patty & I have used more laundry stain remover in the last week than we have in the preceding six years. (I won’t say the brand name, because it’s not like they’re going to send a complimentary 5-gallon drum for the laundry room.)

Speaking of laundry; at the risk of bragging about something horribly pathetic, I am becoming quite the laundry Jedi around here. Sure, all of the websites I visited suggested that in order to relieve stress and catch some zzz’s, we’re supposed to let the laundry wait. You know, just let it sit there, mocking me. OK, but when exactly is this stuff supposed to get done? Do you have any idea how stressful a big honkin’ pile of laundry is? Besides, a lot of the new laundry I’m doing represents a veritable bio-hazard, so yeah, I’m gonna go ahead and hop to it.

The dirty dishes can rot in hell, of course.