Chris Schuette – Indiebear Music
  • food

  • January20th

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    Oh, The Things You’ll Crave

    Posted in: Baby, food, humor

    I never believed all of the stories I heard about the food cravings a pregnant woman can get.  Television sitcoms had me believing that food cravings were exaggerated in order to make Ross & Rachel’s hi-jinks seem all the more wacky.  Well, for Patty, food cravings are definitely real, and the occasional accompanying mood swings are simply gravy on the cake (OK, that’s actually one of MY cravings, but I’ll save that for a predictably disgusting blog post at a later date.)

    Patty is in her 2nd trimester and right on schedule, she is craving all sorts of food I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot clown pole.  A few weeks ago, we were at the mall looking for deals on slightly damaged towel racks.  I also planned to stop by the Apple Store to look at all the shiny things and heckle the Genius Bar.  We were literally 15 feet from the Apple Store entrance, when Patty made me put down my tape measure so that we could get a pretzel; you know, one of those big-ass mall pretzels with salt crystals the size Rubik’s Cubes and a thimble-full of melted cheese-flavored food-type product?  Yeah, she needed one NOW.  Since I’m a team player, as well as an integral member of this pasty family unit, we immediately made our way to Madam Fong’s Magical Garden Of Pretzelly Delights (located next to H&R Block.)  Patty got her hubcap-sized pretzel and was kind enough to share a giant salt cube with me, so it was totally worth it.

    More recently, Patty has been craving cookie dough ice cream and donuts.  Nothing too unusual there, however, I was mildly surprised last weekend when she helped herself to a large bowl of ice cream with a chocolate-glaze sprinkle donut on top.  I must have looked at her rather strangely, because she immediately glared at me with eyes ablaze and advised me to stop judging her!!  No problem, Crazy-Pregnant-Lady-Who-Lies-Next-To-Me-While-I-Sleep.

    All kidding aside, Patty has kept her cool very well.  For example, she didn’t actually make me get her a cheeseburger at 3AM the other night, but let’s just say, I had the car keys on my nightstand.  I’m just glad I can be there for Patty when she needs me.  She actually seems surprised about her sudden cravings as well.  I assured her that food cravings are completely normal for pregnant woman and that she has absolutely nothing to be concerned about. 

    Of course, none of that explains why I blasted through an entire French Silk pie about an hour ago.

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  • March25th

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    Easter Was Neato

    Posted in: Holidays, Minnesota, Oh God, what now?, dogs, family, food, geek, humor

    Easter Sunday started off with a bit of a science experiment. OK, we retroactively called it a science experiment; we didn’t actually have a laboratory or beakers or…look, do you want to hear this or not? Indie & Bear like to have an egg with their dog food every once in awhile (hey, who doesn’t?) Well, since it was Easter, we let them split a hard-boiled egg. Suddenly, we remembered that Indie’s last couple of vomiting sessions followed the consumption of an egg. (We also realized that we never see Clark Kent and Superman at the same time. Hmmm…) Anyway, sure enough, a few minutes later Indie started heaving. Being a graduate of the University of Minnesota, I know heaving when I see it, so I knew this wasn’t going to end well. I hurried Indie outside just in time for the peristaltic funfest. She’s OK. I gave her some water, told her she’s a good girl and all is well.

    Patty & I then went over to her folks’ place for lunch. We were running late because I needed to comb my hair and pick up my accordion. What, you don’t think I have an accordion? Have you read this blog? Trust me, THIS geek has an accordion. I love spending Easter with my family. Plus, I continued the time-honored tradition of biting the head off of Patty’s chocolate bunny when she’s not looking. (Why yes, I am 8 years old, why do you ask?) OK, I was just joking around and I did give her my untouched bunny in exchange, but I’m still gonna need a place to crash until this whole thing blows over.

    Other than that, it was a good day to just relax and read the paper. Unfortunately, I read a rather disturbing story about a local cab driver who was stabbed by his 15 year-old passenger when she couldn’t pay the $22 cab fare. You can read the story here. Luckily the driver is going to be OK. According to the article, “The driver was stabbed with a kitchen knife in the neck, leg and buttocks.” At first I wondered how he got the buttock wound; then I realized that if someone is attacking me with a knife, at the very least, I’m farting on them.

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  • March21st

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    A Phew Phriday Phindings

    Posted in: Music, Oh God, what now?, dogs, food, humor, pop culture

    OK, I had a large light roast coffee with a shot of expresso…epspresszo…um, “wake-up juice,” so I just want to voice some random thoughts. By the way, the nice lady at my coffee shop called me a “mensch” this morning. I’m going to need several dictionaries and my conversation pants.

    • I’m working on a little side project that requires me to come up with 27 seconds of “baseball music.” That’s it, “baseball music.” That’s kinda vague, isn’t it? That’s a little like telling a drummer to “lay down a groove.” I’m keeping my fingers crossed that “baseball music” loosely translates into “something I wrote eight years ago,” but probably not. How much do you wanna bet I’ll be cycling through the “organ” patches on my keyboard? Take that one to the bank, people.
    • I’ve mentioned that I’m a part-time musician (Oh, I’m pretty sure I have.) Since I left the band last summer, I’m finding that I need contextual clarification whenever someone suggests I “keep on rocking.” I believe it’s still considered a compliment, but it may simply be a helpful suggestion in case I look like I’m tipping slightly. Just to be safe, I’ll “keep on rocking,” but I’ll stop if it starts to upset passersby. I might be over-thinking this.
    • Indie & Bear are not amused by the new snow we got this morning. Not even a little. Bear gave me his typical Will Smith-like, “Oh Hell no! You did NOT send me out into that snow!” I told him, “hey, if you don’t like it, you’re welcome to stay with a nice Arizona family. Oh, you don’t KNOW anyone in Arizona? Well, maybe you should calm down then. And I’m not a yutz!” Most of our conversations go that way.
    • I’m hankerin’ for a big ‘ol bag of mini-donuts. Seriously, I’ll give a “shout-out” (as the kids like to say) to anyone who can hook that up.
    • The local news rag had a big article featuring Ashlee Simpson yesterday. Apparently she has red hair now, or she bought a pantsuit, or something. Um, I can remember a time when getting caught lip-syncing on TV would have made someone, you know, go away.
    • Surprisingly, I’m finding that I need a haircut; take THAT, everyone who ever called me “Baldo McGillicuddy!” You know who you are, ya bastards! (Sorry. Coffee.)
    • Finally, I can no longer hide my disappointment that I’m rarely introduced as “The Step-Brother of Funk.”

    There, I said it.

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  • January30th

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    Cheez Whiz Is Just All Right With Me

    Posted in: Minnesota, family, food, humor

    It was 15 degrees below zero this morning and it was like, 10 below yesterday. On the other hand, the temperature here in Minneapolis was almost 40 degrees above zero on Monday. That’s a veritable heat wave for January in Minnesota.

    I bring this up for two reasons. First, people love reading blogs where idiots talk about the weather, and second, Monday is the day I should have gone grocery shopping. We’re dangerously close to running out of food. Unfortunately, Monday was too nice of a day to go grocery shopping (what with all the golfing, water-skiing and log-rolling,) and today is the kind of day where you don’t immediately realize you’ve lost fingers as you, oh I don’t know, walk to the mailbox. As a result, Patty and I are trying to use up the food we have before requesting an airlift from Anchorage. It’s amazing what you will consider eating for dinner when you just don’t want to venture outside: crackers, soup, popcorn, emergency pizza, and hey, that can of pulverized bacon shards is looking pretty good. We’re actually hoping to go shopping on Friday…unless the weather is either too nice or too lousy, of course.

    And by the way, I freely admit how ridiculous all of this sounds. My grandpa worked a farm and raised 8 kids in Central Minnesota during the Depression and World War II, while I get tired if I have to go to the gas station and the bank in the same day.

    “Hearty Minnesotan,” my butt. Maybe I could take a class, or something.

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  • February8th

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    Orange Pie

    Posted in: food, humor

    Patty made a great apple pie yesterday. It’s perfect; the crust is flaky, the apples are that slightly tart flavor that I like and it goes perfect with vanilla ice cream…pretty much everything I look for in an apple pie. I don’t know how she does it: She can whip up something in the kitchen on a moments notice and it’s always amazing. Me, on the other hand, I’m more of a Cheerios-pouring, Fig Newton wrapper-opening, last cookie-eating kind of chef. I think a kitchen should be admired from afar for its neatness and ability to store Doritos and sporks somewhere other than the floor. Oh, and the fridge belongs there too. Read More | Comments

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