Crap, I completely forgot to mention that I successfully assembled the crib a couple of weeks ago. Sorry for the PG-Rated opening sentence, but I promised I would post updates on the baby preparations, no matter how mundane they may be. And believe you me, they be pretty mundane, they be. (My apologies to any English teachers out there; you know who you are or aren’t.)
After being triple-dog-dared by a gang of roving teens, Patty & I purchased the DaVinci Kalani crib from Cribs.com (which is not affiliated with MTVCribs.com, where you can probably find information about Mariah Carey’s mudroom.) To my surprise, I was able to assemble the crib with no swearing, Union labor or hi-jinx (both wacky & non-wacky.) That’s probably a testament to the quality of the crib, rather than any proficiency on my part. We chose the espresso finish because I didn’t want to be called a liar when I wrote, “we chose the espresso finish.” Plus, I’m fairly certain it matches a pair of boots I once owned. It looks great and it’s solid. Like, real solid, can you dig? It’s the crib that won’t cop out, when there’s babies all about. Hey, I’m talkin’ ’bout the crib.
As usual, Patty took several photos for health insurance purposes.
I can do this
Bolt Thingies
A Helping Paw From Bear
A job well done, and plenty of time to pursue my other intellectual interests
I’m taking a break from the white-hot panic one associates with impending parenthood to post the most mellow li’l piece of music I’ve written this weekend. ”Written” might be over-selling it. As you may or may not know, I occasionally just sit down at the piano, hit record and start playing. Every once in awhile, I like the way it turns out and I post it here. Other times, I don’t like it, and I kinda freak out like this guy.
Luckily, there is no such freaking out associated with my current Piano In The Corner dealie. It runs 2:05m. Enjoy!
Things are really hopping around our house lately as we prepare for Baby Schuette (pretty sure we’ll come up with a better name.) The reality of eventual parenthood is setting in and I couldn’t be happier. I know, I know; it’s going to hit me like a ton of Legos, but I’m still getting ready. I even have my diaper bag. After careful research, I chose the brown diaper bag from Diaperdude.com (Oh, for the love of God, make sure you type that address correctly!) It’s a comfortable, over-the-shoulder design and there’s even a pocket for my cell phone right on the strap! Oh, and it also holds baby-related stuff better than any other bag I looked at.
Patty has also given me permission to tell you that she is starting to show. In other words, if you were making a movie, and you needed to cast “Bubbly Pregnant Lady #1,” Patty is the one you would call. Of course, she’s not in the Screen Actors Guild, and she can’t really fly to L.A. right now, so we’d have work around that. I might be over-thinking this entire paragraph. My point is, Patty looks great…even when she doesn’t think so.
We’ve also tragically magically transformed my super secret 70’s/80’s lair into a slightly less-super secret baby room. My Mannequin movie poster has replaced by pictures of Teddy Bears, my copies of Dynamite Magazine have been supplanted by Dr. Seuss, and my Atari 2600 has been replaced by nothing…just, nothing, not even a freakin’ Playstation. The room has never looked better, though; even without the inspirational picture of Dolph Sweet.
Patty & I will be also be joining a new church very soon. And by “new church,” I mean, “church.” We’re not currently members of a particular church yet. To be honest, I learned most of what I know about religion from watching George Burns movies. According to Hollywood, God smokes cigars, has bad writers, and was a lot funnier in the 1940s. Seriously though, I know our family will benefit from it, and that’s good enough for me. Who knows, maybe they need a rockin’ church organist. I assume I could do that.
We’re also working on getting a new car to replace the aging Jeep Grand Cherokee. It’s becoming increasingly unreliable, and I’m fairly certain the transmission is being held together with duct tape and Gummi-Bears. It’s been a good vehicle, though. That Jeep got me home safely from every gig, every time. Since we have another mini-SUV to haul around the impending torrent of child-related accoutrements, we are going to replace the Jeep with a smaller sedan. Also, I’m not domestic enough, and I strongly believe a Ford Taurus can fix that. Perhaps beige? You kids love beige.
I’ll continue to let you know how the preparations are going. I’m pretty sure it’ll be uneventful.
I had the privilege of playing a little home concert for two very special ladies last night, Patty & Future Baby. Apparently, some very smart scienticians believe that the fetus can hear and respond to music and sound. Since I am quite obviously not smart enough to dispute that, we’ve decided that I will play and sing for our little girl as often as possible. According to Patty, she responds by kicking, punching and hiccuping, not unlike the crowd at Mayslack’s. Indie & Bear wandered in during my rendition of “Little Trip To Heaven.” Bear always gives me a strange look when I sing Tom Waits; he probably thinks I’m growling at him.
These little concerts are fast becoming my favorite part of this pregnancy, mostly because Patty & I can just sit, relax and show off our really dope chilling out skillz…something that will become much rarer in the near future. Yep, pretty soon, the music I play will touch on much edgier topics ranging from the principles under which the wheels on the bus operate, to the various plumbing-related crises faced by the itsy-bitsy spider. But in the meantime, I can entertain Patty and our girl with Chopin, Beethoven, as well as some Elton John, Jackson Browne, and Jerry Lee Lewis.
I have no idea what possessed me to perform the Diff’rent Strokes theme as Michael McDonald, however. That’s just bad parenting.
I never believed all of the stories I heard about the food cravings a pregnant woman can get. Television sitcoms had me believing that food cravings were exaggerated in order to make Ross & Rachel’s hi-jinks seem all the more wacky. Well, for Patty, food cravings are definitely real, and the occasional accompanying mood swings are simply gravy on the cake (OK, that’s actually one of MY cravings, but I’ll save that for a predictably disgusting blog post at a later date.)
Patty is in her 2nd trimester and right on schedule, she is craving all sorts of food I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot clown pole. A few weeks ago, we were at the mall looking for deals on slightly damaged towel racks. I also planned to stop by the Apple Store to look at all the shiny things and heckle the Genius Bar. We were literally 15 feet from the Apple Store entrance, when Patty made me put down my tape measure so that we could get a pretzel; you know, one of those big-ass mall pretzels with salt crystals the size Rubik’s Cubes and a thimble-full of melted cheese-flavored food-type product? Yeah, she needed one NOW. Since I’m a team player, as well as an integral member of this pasty family unit, we immediately made our way to Madam Fong’s Magical Garden Of Pretzelly Delights (located next to H&R Block.) Patty got her hubcap-sized pretzel and was kind enough to share a giant salt cube with me, so it was totally worth it.
More recently, Patty has been craving cookie dough ice cream and donuts. Nothing too unusual there, however, I was mildly surprised last weekend when she helped herself to a large bowl of ice cream with a chocolate-glaze sprinkle donut on top. I must have looked at her rather strangely, because she immediately glared at me with eyes ablaze and advised me to stop judging her!! No problem, Crazy-Pregnant-Lady-Who-Lies-Next-To-Me-While-I-Sleep.
All kidding aside, Patty has kept her cool very well. For example, she didn’t actually make me get her a cheeseburger at 3AM the other night, but let’s just say, I had the car keys on my nightstand. I’m just glad I can be there for Patty when she needs me. She actually seems surprised about her sudden cravings as well. I assured her that food cravings are completely normal for pregnant woman and that she has absolutely nothing to be concerned about.
Of course, none of that explains why I blasted through an entire French Silk pie about an hour ago.
So, Patty & I put together our baby stroller last night. So much swearing…so many tourniquets. OK, it wasn’t really that difficult. Since this wasn’t a plumbing project, I decided to actually follow the non-French instructions and not rely so much on towels, wide-eyed horror and blind rage. Believe it or not, the stroller looks great and is sturdy as All Get-Out. (“All Get-Out” is the name of that ladder I built last year out of popsicle sticks and bungee cords.)
(Patty suggested I actually include something informative in this post, so I will tell you that the stroller we bought is a Chicco Cortina Keyfit 30 Travel system. We found it on Amazon for a reasonable price and it has received great reviews. I can only assume that it’s Brangelina-Approved.)
Patty & I also felt the baby move for the first time. Unbelievable. Now, if I were a great writer, I would tell you what a profoundly life-changing experience that was and how I have never felt so fortunate to be married to such an amazing woman. I would also mention that I am humbled and excited by what the future will bring. Alas, I’m not a great writer, so I’ll simply tell you that it was “really swell.” Patty said it felt like butterflies, but I thought it felt more like Jiffy-Pop popcorn; I’m not allowed to say stuff anymore. Patty also seems to be enjoying herself more now that the morning sickness has passed. Seriously, the first trimester was little rough for her, what with all the non-Jagermeister-related vomiting, and all.
In other Calendarical news, today is the last day of the year (and possibly the decade, depending on how you look at it.) I can’t lie, but 2009 has been one of those years that I’m not sorry to see go. Too many things went wrong for me to fondly look back on it without some serious muttering and creative hand gestures. OK, Vegas was cool, but that was it! With a baby on the way, 2010 will see a lot of big changes for me and Patty, but honestly, I can’t wait.
In the past, I made references to “Hypothetical Future Baby.” Well, the future just got a lot less hypothetical. Patty & I are excited to announce that we are expecting our first child, due June 1, 2010. That’s actually the main reason that I haven’t written anything lately (well that and crippling laziness.) After the events of 2009, Patty & I were understandably more nervous about this pregnancy, but we feel the time is right to make it known. Since we don’t yet know the sex of the baby, we’ve agreed to refer to it as “Impending Future Human.” Well, at least I have.
I’ll finally be able to use all of those skills I learned in the Child Care portion of my Home Economics course…in Junior High…at age 15…in 1985…24 years ago…while drunk. On second thought, I might want to get a book, or something. Do people still have other people change diapers in order to get a passing grade? (Before you ask: No, that is NOT the stupidest question I’ve ever asked.)
Our preparations for Impending Future Human so far involve some essential purchases and a lot of oblivious excitement. I’ve also started hiding anything explosive expensive. I probably better learn how to play some children’s songs too. Does Led Zeppelin count as “children’s music?” It’d better.
I’m well aware of the fact that I have no REAL idea what’s about to happen and how much our lives are going to change; but I know I’ll handle it with the same kind of class and dignity that people have come to expect from me.
Nah, just kidding. Seriously, I’m scared to death.
I love the month of October, mainly because I love Halloween and the accompanying sugar rush. I was thinking about some of the scariest movies I saw as a kid. Since I was born in 1970, most of these movies are from roughly 1975-1980. This begs the obvious question: where were my parents when I was watching these?? If my memory is accurate, I’m pretty sure Mom and Dad were out disco dancing with Antonio Fargas and Shelly Hack. Admittedly, I saw some of these films several years after they were released, but you get the idea.
The following ten films are listed in no particular order and I’ve avoided spoilers. Of course, I posess only a vague awareness of what a “spoiler” is, so this oughtta be good.
10. The Sentinel (1977): A young fashion model (hey, it was the 1970s) learns that her New York City apartment building is harboring a terrible non-plumbing-related secret. Hilarity ensues, of course.
9. Burnt Offerings (1976): Oh Man. This is probably the scariest haunted house movie I have ever seen. Perfectly cast with the über-creepy Karen Black and an equally frightening Oliver Reed (his character wasn’t scary; I’m just very frightened of Oliver Reed.) Oh, and don’t forget that grinning evil chauffeur. And get this, Bette Davis is in this movie! THE Bette Davis! This is a great movie to watch with the lights off and it has held up surprisingly well.
8. The Changeling (1980): This film starred George C. Scott, but surprisingly was NOT a comedy! I don’t remember much about the plot, but I recall a scary old-timey wheelchair and a creepy kid. That’s good enough for me.
7. The Shining (1980): I know everyone cites this movie with Jack Nicholson playing the role of axe aficionado, Jack Torrance, but I first became aware of this movie via the film trailer while sitting in a darkened theater. You know, the simple shot of the elevator doors with the eerie music. All of a sudden a literal torrent of blood comes pouring from the elevators and toward the camera. Pretty freaky, especially for a little kid. Wait a minute, “torrent of blood”…”Jack Torrance.” Hey, that’s weird.
6. Suspiria (1977): OK, I actually saw this film several years after it was released, but seriously, there is absolutely no reason that a kid should watch this movie. It is a brutal, moody, suspenseful and incredibly disturbing film about a coven of witches who run a ballet school in Germany. Known for it’s use of very bright colors (yes, they used a LOT of red,) but if you ask me, the striking soundtrack by Goblin totally made the film. Oh, and the US trailer for this film is incredibly lame, but here you go.
5. The Spell (1977): I didn’t actually see this made-for-TV movie which aired on ABC in its entirety. It is probably best remembered for starring a very young Helen Hunt. Apparently, she’s an actress, or something. Oh, and Lee Grant was in it! You kids loves the Lee Grant! The one scene I remember seeing was with this woman walking down the stairs when all of a sudden she starts shaking, her eyes start bulging and smoke comes out of her ears. Yeah, I didn’t sleep for two weeks after seeing this. I don’t have a clip, but special thanks to Kindertrauma.com for the freaky pic.
4. Phantasm (1979): This is the one with the spooky undertaker known only as “The Tall Man,” who was played very effectively by Angus Scrimm. It also had these deadly flying silver balls. There were also scary little jawa-looking guys who would just as soon kill you as sell you an R2 unit with a bad motivator. The plot of the movie didn’t make any sense to me, but that didn’t matter. I actually saw this film recently, but it wasn’t nearly as scary as I remembered.
3. Race With The Devil (1975): In hindsight, not all that scary, but it spooked me back in the day. This film is about two couples in a large RV who stumble upon a Satanic ritual and wind up being chased across the Southwestern US by the cultists. Geez, what was with all of the Satanic cult movies back then?
2. Tourist Trap (1979): At the time, this movie was overshadowed by films like Halloween and Friday the 13th. But is you ask me this film is scarier for one simple reason: creepy mannequins. Oh and the movie also features (gasp!) Chuck Connors! Chhhuuuuccckkk Connnnneeeeerrrrs! (Sorry, that sounded scarier in my head.)
1. Friday The 13th: This is the original slasher flick…as long as you don’t count all the ones that came before it. OK, maybe it wasn’t that original, but it was still the prototypical scary movie to us pasty suburban kids for years. Well, to those of us who used words like “prototypical” anyway.
How about you guys? No matter when you were born; what were the earliest scary movies you all remember? Anyone?
Here is another bit of “Piano In The Corner” music for your dining and dancing pleasure. As I said before, I occasionally like to just sit down at the piano, hit the record button and see what happens. Usually what happens is in the key of G, however, this one is is E minor. I know, I know; you’re probably thinking that all the cool kids record their spontaneous solo piano compositions in E minor, so why did I feel the need to follow the crowd. Well, you got me. I don’t have an answer for you. Maybe, I was just showing off for the dogs. They love that stuff.
Man, where was going with this?
Oh yeah, so it’s a little piece (2:36m) I recorded the other night after Wifey turned in a little early. It’s pretty mellow, ’cause I’m such a mellow guy.
Every so often, I am hired to write a piece of music that requires, shall we say, “extra cheese.” In this case, I was hired to write some “game show” music for a local radio show. Well, since my history of rotting my childhood brain with the help of television is a matter of public record, I was very willing to take on the challenge.
The first thing I knew is that the piece needed bongos…FRANTIC bongos. They wound up a little buried in the mix, but they are there, believe you me! I also knew it needed trumpet hits and a tuba, mainly because every musician will tell you that “Tuba = Funny.” (Also, the square root of trumpets is piano…wait, that can’t be right.) The melody is carried by vibes and a very poor quality digital piano patch. Remember, whenever something sounds bad, it’s “deliberately cheesy!” Or something.
After I got it sounding like a 70s Game Show, I needed to give it a name. I decided to call the piece “Wink Woolery,” after famous game show hosts and plastic hair aficionados Wink Martindale and Chuck Woolery. It’s a short piece, only 57 seconds, but it’s supposed to be. It is also written to be loopable, in case you don’t ever want it to stop.
But at some point, please, for the love of God, make it stop. Enjoy!
