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December 2009 - Chris Schuette

Some Assembly Required

December 31, 2009 | By | One Comment

So, Patty & I put together our baby stroller last night.  So much swearing…so many tourniquets.  OK, it wasn’t really that difficult.  Since this wasn’t a plumbing project, I decided to actually follow the non-French instructions and not rely so much on towels, wide-eyed horror and blind rage.  Believe it or not, the stroller looks great and is sturdy as All Get-Out.  (“All Get-Out” is the name of that ladder I built last year out of popsicle sticks and bungee cords.) 

(Patty suggested I actually include something informative in this post, so I will tell you that the stroller we bought is a Chicco Cortina Keyfit 30 Travel system.  We found it on Amazon for a reasonable price and it has received great reviews.  I can only assume that it’s Brangelina-Approved.)

Patty & I also felt the baby move for the first time.  Unbelievable.  Now, if I were a great writer, I would tell you what a profoundly life-changing experience that was and how I have never felt so fortunate to be married to such an amazing woman.  I would also mention that I am humbled and excited by what the future will bring.  Alas, I’m not a great writer, so I’ll simply tell you that it was “really swell.”  Patty said it felt like butterflies, but I thought it felt more like Jiffy-Pop popcorn;  I’m not allowed to say stuff anymore.  Patty also seems to be enjoying herself more now that the morning sickness has passed.  Seriously, the first trimester was little rough for her, what with all the non-Jagermeister-related vomiting, and all. 

In other Calendarical news, today is the last day of the year (and possibly the decade, depending on how you look at it.)  I can’t lie, but 2009 has been one of those years that I’m not sorry to see go.  Too many things went wrong for me to fondly look back on it without some serious muttering and creative hand gestures.  OK, Vegas was cool, but that was it!  With a baby on the way, 2010 will see a lot of big changes for me and Patty, but honestly, I can’t wait.

Happy New Year!

Impending Future Human

December 23, 2009 | By | No Comments

In the past, I made references to “Hypothetical Future Baby.”  Well, the future just got a lot less hypothetical.  Patty & I are excited to announce that we are expecting our first child, due June 1, 2010.  That’s actually the main reason that I haven’t written anything lately (well that and crippling laziness.)  After the events of 2009, Patty & I were understandably more nervous about this pregnancy, but we feel the time is right to make it known.  Since we don’t yet know the sex of the baby, we’ve agreed to refer to it as “Impending Future Human.”  Well, at least I have.

I’ll finally be able to use all of those skills I learned in the Child Care portion of my Home Economics course…in Junior High…at age 15…in 1985…24 years ago…while drunk.  On second thought, I might want to get a book, or something.  Do people still have other people change diapers in order to get a passing grade?  (Before you ask: No, that is NOT the stupidest question I’ve ever asked.)

Our preparations for Impending Future Human so far involve some essential purchases and a lot of oblivious excitement. I’ve also started hiding anything explosive expensive.  I probably better learn how to play some children’s songs too.  Does Led Zeppelin count as “children’s music?”  It’d better.

I’m well aware of the fact that I have no REAL idea what’s about to happen and how much our lives are going to change; but I know I’ll handle it with the same kind of class and dignity that people have come to expect from me.

Nah, just kidding.  Seriously, I’m scared to death.