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April 2008 - Chris Schuette

A Helluva Backyard

April 26, 2008 | By | No Comments

The sun blazed down upon my head. I was running as fast as I could, but the marsh and the strong wind seemed to conspire against me. I ducked into the tall grass, hoping to avoid the mysterious individual with the high-tech surveillance equipment, as well as the wild dogs. Alas, I was unsuccessful. The beasts caught my scent and bore down upon me with ferocious intent…

…and proceeded to lick the side of my face. Ew, dog breath! I stood up as Patty was removing the lens cap from her new camera. “Having fun?” she asked. I was having fun. This was on one of the first real snow-free days around here, so Patty & I decided to head out into the nature area with Indie & Bear. They got to run around, I got to do whatever it is I do, and Patty was finally able to take some photos of things other than our living room and me (“Hey! Is that Marty Feldman?”)

Patty said she’s still learning her way around the new camera, but she did get some good shots:

At least one of us has talent. I’m looking forward to more photos soon.

Oh, and sorry I haven’t written much lately, the new job has been keeping me pretty busy…OK, I’ve been sitting around eating graham crackers and frosting; are you happy?

What In The Name Of All That’s Holy…

April 16, 2008 | By | No Comments

It just never ends.

Neil Diamond is alive, and CNN is writing articles about him. Since I already wrote a Neil Diamond rant a few months ago, I’ll keep this short. He is releasing a new album and apparently we are all required to like it. He’s also starting a tour of some type. According to The Encrusted One himself, “This record represents a giant step in my evolution as a writer and a recording artist … you will see I’ve gone deeper. It was more painful to write this — maybe the most difficult album I’ve ever written, and maybe my best.” You’ve been warned, people: If you don’t appreciate this modern-day Sgt. Pepper, YOU HAVE NO SOUL!

I agree with Neil, humilty sucks. To be honest, I’m actually impressed that someone can build an entire career out of entertaining people who can only clap on the on-beat. He goes on to say that in his upcoming tour, he’ll play plenty of new stuff in addition to his, um, “hits.” Well, thank God for that! The only reason he probably won’t start with “Sweet Caroline,” is that the mad dash for the exits would kill too many people. No, oldies concerts save classics like “Freebird,” “Come Sail Away,” and “My Humps” for a little later in the night. Hey, I love Lynyrd Skynyrd, but I’m not really wondering what they’ve been writing lately.

One last thing about this, then I’ll shut up: he’s starting his tour in St. Paul! That’s too close to home! That means that sometime soon someone will hear that I’m a wannabe musician and they’ll say, “Hey, my grandma went to that Neil Diamond concert. Do you like his music?” And I’ll have to simply stare at them for a long time until they get that confused look, then back away slowly, lest I burst into tears or something.

Who am I kidding, I’m crying already.

Don’t Have A Vaca, Man

April 11, 2008 | By | No Comments

Well, no one ever accused Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez of keeping up with the times. According to a recent article from Fox News (I couldn’t find anything in the non-fascist media,) Mr. Chavez has banned The Simpsons from being broadcast in his country, stating that it is a “bad influence.” I guess we should congratulate him. By finally reaching a 1990 level of cultural awareness, he has managed to achieve what all the clucking Midwestern busybodies of Pre-Clinton America could not. Hopefully, he can also ban all of those Bart Simpson T-Shirts and Hammer Pants that are all the rage right now.

The Simpsons

Apparently, this is the family being referred to…

Oh, and you want to know which show has replaced The Simpsons on Venezuelan television? Baywatch Hawaii.

I swear, sometimes this crap writes itself.



Time Off

April 7, 2008 | By | One Comment

I started my new job last Thursday after taking some much needed time off. I say “time off” and not “vacation” because I basically remained in the same zip code and I wasn’t able to avoid yard clean-up. Believe me, I tried. It was great. I got to play more with Indie & Bear, who were mildly surprised, since they usually think of me as “Slightly Taller Foodbringer Who Is Rarely Around.”

Patty was kind enough to compile a list of chores for me. Yes, I said “chores,” because apparently we live on a farm now. I took a look at the list, and I gotta tell you, she was WAY off. Most of the items on the list seem to require some type of home improvement skill…and what the hell is a “broom?” Seriously, I did a few of the chores before tedium edged out boredom. Didn’t take long, though.

Patty & I also did something a little revolutionary…well, its revolutionary for us. We actually canceled our cable. Honestly, we don’t watch much except for That’s My Mama and that episode of The Brady Bunch where Greg is kinda high. It’s a weird experience when you tell the Comcast Rep you want to cancel cable; they never seem to hear you correctly the first time. “You want to do what with the what now?” And I get the sneaking suspicion that every time someone cancels cable, some sales rep gets smacked around a bit. I can’t help but feel somewhat responsible.

I also managed to do a little more recording in my home studio. I plan to have some new music up soon. As soon as I can get everything to stop sounding like Kraftwerk, I’ll let you know.

This could take awhile.