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Elevator Not Required

February 21, 2008 | By | 5 Comments

I work in an office building. I know: You’re shocked that I’m not a full-time writer and musician. Hey, if I were a full-time writer, my punctuation would be better and my transitions wouldn’t suck. And if I were a full-time musician, I sure as hell wouldn’t have time to write a blog because of that whole “needing food” thing.

No, I have a freelance-type day job that I enjoy and it gives me the freedom to waste your time right now. (Thanks, by the way.) My only real complaint about working in an office is that it’s not nearly as funny as Office Space, and the Muzak is horrible; and I mean “even for Muzak” horrible. For those of you who don’t know what Muzak is, enjoy your blissful ignorance. Everyone else knows that Muzak (aka “elevator music”) is the instrumental version of “popular music” which has been stripped of all unnecessary soul, character and passion. Think of it as the “über-weiss” or “Matchbox 20” version of a song. I don’t really notice how bad the Muzak is until they play anything written after 1970. I have to admit that I chuckled quietly to myself when I heard “Careless Whisper” while reading up on the company privacy policy, or “Sexual Healing” while taking the sexual harassment quiz. But don’t bother explaining the irony to co-workers; they just give you “that look.”

I actually have it easy. Patty (my wife, remember? You & I need really need to talk more!) works in a dental office. Mercifully, they don’t have Muzak, but lets just say that the satellite radio station makes all of the contemporary adults feel right at home (you know who you are. Nice sweater, and get out of the sun.) According to Patty, several songs are capable of triggering the “it got weird” moment: “Secret Lovers,” “Private Dancer,” “(Let’s Get) Physical,” “Love Touch,” & “If You Want My Body” (not to mention countless other Rod Stewart songs.) Yes, come for the teeth cleaning, but stay for the awkward silence and palpable tension. Plus, you get extra floss if you make it through “Afternoon Delight.” I know I did.

…and not to be cruel, but that Rod Stewart chick kinda looks like a dude.


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