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February 2008 - Chris Schuette

Elevator Not Required

February 21, 2008 | By | 5 Comments

I work in an office building. I know: You’re shocked that I’m not a full-time writer and musician. Hey, if I were a full-time writer, my punctuation would be better and my transitions wouldn’t suck. And if I were a full-time musician, I sure as hell wouldn’t have time to write a blog because of that whole “needing food” thing.

No, I have a freelance-type day job that I enjoy and it gives me the freedom to waste your time right now. (Thanks, by the way.) My only real complaint about working in an office is that it’s not nearly as funny as Office Space, and the Muzak is horrible; and I mean “even for Muzak” horrible. For those of you who don’t know what Muzak is, enjoy your blissful ignorance. Everyone else knows that Muzak (aka “elevator music”) is the instrumental version of “popular music” which has been stripped of all unnecessary soul, character and passion. Think of it as the “über-weiss” or “Matchbox 20” version of a song. I don’t really notice how bad the Muzak is until they play anything written after 1970. I have to admit that I chuckled quietly to myself when I heard “Careless Whisper” while reading up on the company privacy policy, or “Sexual Healing” while taking the sexual harassment quiz. But don’t bother explaining the irony to co-workers; they just give you “that look.”

I actually have it easy. Patty (my wife, remember? You & I need really need to talk more!) works in a dental office. Mercifully, they don’t have Muzak, but lets just say that the satellite radio station makes all of the contemporary adults feel right at home (you know who you are. Nice sweater, and get out of the sun.) According to Patty, several songs are capable of triggering the “it got weird” moment: “Secret Lovers,” “Private Dancer,” “(Let’s Get) Physical,” “Love Touch,” & “If You Want My Body” (not to mention countless other Rod Stewart songs.) Yes, come for the teeth cleaning, but stay for the awkward silence and palpable tension. Plus, you get extra floss if you make it through “Afternoon Delight.” I know I did.

…and not to be cruel, but that Rod Stewart chick kinda looks like a dude.

What?

Three Things I Learned Today

February 11, 2008 | By | One Comment

I learned three things so far today. First, Former Massachusetts Governor ((OK, that was John Hancock. But hey, footnotes!)), Herbie Hancock won the Grammy for Album of the Year last night. That just sounds right to me. Herbie Hancock has always been one of my most-favoritest keyboard players. I first heard his music when I was 14 years old, and I’ve loved just about everything he’s done. He’s always been an innovator when it comes to embracing new technology. Luckily, the technology has never gotten in the way of his actual music. Read More

Friday I Have Tuesday On My Mind

February 1, 2008 | By | 2 Comments

This coming Tuesday is the so-called “Super Tuesday” that all the beatniks have been talking about. Don’t worry, I’m not turning this into a political blog (I wouldn’t do that to either of you.) I tend to vote Democratic most of the time, but I also try to look at all issues and candidates with a open mind. Oh, I have my opinions, but remember, this is supposed to be a dog blog, so I’m more concerned about which candidate will support greater chew-toy subsidies for hard-working middle-class canines.

I love presidential election years. I love the news coverage, the back and forth between candidates, but mostly, I love the “person on the street” interviews. As members of the general public, we have an opportunity to voice our opinions and really speak out on issues that matter to us. We also have the opportunity to say incredibly stupid things in public. (Me? I started a blog.)

One of my favorite responses was from a gentleman in Florida on the eve of their January 29th primary. He told MSNBC.com that he supports Romney because, “he looks like a president to me.” He went on to begin a sentence with the words, “but I think Ann Coulter convinced me…”


…The problem with writing a blog is that you can’t actually see me burying my face in my hands while weeping uncontrollably.

He looks like a president to me“?!? The guy actually said this! Out loud! To a reporter! With other people around! While being photographed! Why doesn’t he just write-in Robert Culp, Gene Hackman, Harrison Ford, Bruce Greenwood, Geena Davis, William Devane, Kevin Pollock, Peter Sellers, Michael Keaton, Chris Rock, Bill Pullman, Donald Pleasence, James Earl Jones, or that guy from the Allstate Commercials? (Did that from memory, by the way.) In fact, let’s just have all the candidates meet with Gary Oldman and dramatically say, “get off my plane,” before kicking him in the face. I think they’d like it in the Heartland.

Maybe this poor soul is just being honest. After all, many people who listened to the 1960 Nixon-Kennedy debates on the radio felt that Nixon won, while people who watched on television thought the youthful Kennedy was more convincing. Maybe I’m also judging Romney on his looks, but in a more skeptical way. Romney does look like a president, and that’s the problem. To me, Romney looks like he’s straight outta Central Casting: “Yeah, we’re doing this Funyuns commercial and we need someone to play the President of the United States. Yeah, he’ll be holding a Funyuns bag while dancing around the Oval Office to the sounds of ‘Wooly Bully.’ It’ll be kooky!”

This is important. Really important. Whether a person likes Romney, McCain, Clinton, Obama or Estes Kefauver (write him in; see if I care,) I just hope people vote because they believe in the candidate and what they stand for, not because they’d look good in a Jerry Bruckheimer film.

And in closing, “get off my plane!” No, I just don’t have it.